Women Priests

If you love her, priest her. Women Priests now! I am pleased to note a long delayed discussion of women’s ordination in the Orthodox Church is gaining fresh vigor. Though I have very little use for the Orthodox Church, as it will take decades to move it even close to the paltry progress made by the Episcopal Church USA, it is still encouraging to see the spirit of our age beginning to make progress in this most reactionary of churches. If the fascist, patriarchal line cannot be held there, where can it be held? No one has asked, but allow me to briefly outline a strategy for change based on a life time of experience bringing tolerance to the Church: 1. Become a bloodless martyr: One should at all times note that change may not happen “in my life time,” but that one is still willing to live within an evil church causing pain. Repeat again and again how much you love the traditions of the church, focus as much as possible on “smells and bells.” If you can, cite a grandmother who lived and died in the church. Soon everyone will forget that you are being a revolutionary (a good thing, but not “orthodox”), and begin to view you as the norm. Remind your audience at all times how truly lucky they are that you are a member. You put up with so very much. If this concerns you, remember they are lucky. As a progressive, you are a valuable bridge to tomorrow from the past in which they live. 2. Use the fact that there have never been women priests to your advantage. Say things like, “Dare to dream.” Accuse your opponents of misunderstanding “tradition.” Of course, tradition is from hell, but it is almost impossible (and very time consuming) for them to prove they don’t misunderstand a thing. In fact, use the term “misunderstand” a great deal. 3. Whenever possible, mention racism. 4. Make endless distinctions. “Dear Father Bob was worried about RADICAL feminism, but feminism has (changed/grown very complex).” Always adopt a tone of superiority. Of course, all feminism opposes Biblical and traditional Christianity in the end, but never let your opponent achieve this clarity. Clarity early on is your enemy. The minute you have a majority on a board or in a group demand clarity and cast aside delaying tactics as “mere obstruction.” DON’T LET THE CHURCH DECIDE ANYTHING NOW! 5. Be incremental. Press for women as servers or deacons and then change their traditional function during implementation. Then ask: given all of this, why can’t women be priests? 6. It is vital that you point to people’s personal experience as needing to be accounted for at all times. This is the absolute key: “Susan is so good. She has a call. What are you going to do about it?” We will never get gay marriage and other important things until the spirit of our age talking to members (especially otherwise traditional members, such useful idiots!) is the basis for most decisions. “If I want a thing, then you better have a great reason to deny it.” 7. Emphasize how pious people on your side are. Say things like, “The people who want this thing are so good. How can we treat them so badly?” Never let the bad guys remember Arius was a swell fellow. We can only make progress when personal testimony trumps cruel doctrine. 8. Get a list of handy Church father quotes to use at all times. In a church with a patriarchy, it may seem impossible, but you can actually convince people that many non-feminists of the past were feminists. Take John Chrysostom. Point out he believed in a female apostle! Never refer to his misogynistic support of traditional roles. Use what you can get and shift “heroes” with the shift in topic. 9. Having created it, remind the church that women’s ordination is a controversy. Who can tell where it will end? If it is not a controversy, make it so. In the second stage, this is the key step to getting gay marriage recognized. 10. Promote dialogue at all times. Until you are certain to win, never, ever let any final decision be made. The danger is that some traditionalist will say, “Well, we would not discuss Arianism, would we? Why dialogue on an impossible thing?” Look hurt at that point and say, “What is the danger of talking?” 11. Get on as many boards as possible. 12. Talk about “modern scholarship.” You might have to start with the same three scholars, but more will come with time. Accuse your foe of denying “modern scholarship.” Don’t worry about the amount of scholarship, just use what you have. Sneer a great deal. In an immigrant church, people will be impressed with education and credentials. 13. Say it is “for the young people.” All the children will leave the church without women priests. Pretend that your daughters are deeply hurt by not being able to be priests. Point out how pious they would be if only women could be priests. Tell horror stories about how they have been driven away from the church. Though some will point out that “mainline” churches have fewer youths that fundamentalist groups, point out that we have “mainstream” youth! 14. Tell immigrants that woman priests are American. 15. Don’t worry if your foes point to the membership (and youth losses) of ECUSA and other “mainline” denominations. Point out that being “right” is never popular. Or sniff that Orthodoxy will never have such problems because she is the true church, right? Done correctly opponents of women priests can be made to look as if they doubt the Holy Spirit is protecting the church. 16. Ask (constantly) why traditionalists want to divide the Church over something so minor. Push for it at all times, but ask why people push back with tears. Many, many tears.